Vampire Chronics vol 3
by Rockerllama
Summary: the next installation to the vampire chronics series. Tex and Jonny find a book called the Thirteen insanities. what is the book for? hmm... read and find out
1. Chapter 1

Vampire Chronics  
Vol. 3

Tex saw Jonny in the room opposite theirs. Tex walked over and saw Jonny in the corner.  
"Jonny?" Tex said.  
"Yes Mom Cops?"  
"Let's go."  
Jonny didn't respond. Tex stood at the doorway.  
"Jonny?" Tex said. He walked a couple of steps.  
Jonny's breathing became very deep. Tex could hear his heart beating faster. "Damn it Tex, pull yourself together. It's only Jonny." He told himself. Tex was arm length from Jonny, so he touched his shoulder. "Jonny?"  
Jonny turned around. His face was covered with… blood…no chocolate.  
"Jonny?" Tex said surprised.  
"Haiya … Maub Pops." Jonny said, eating chocolate cake.  
"Where'd you get the cake?"  
"In the fridge."  
Tex looked at what Jonny was pointing at. It was a small, dirty looking refrigerator in the opposite corner of the room.  
"Cake gooood." Jonny said.  
Tex walked over to the refrigerator and opened it. Tex had reached for a piece of cake, but Jonny had eaten it all.  
"You ate the whole thing?" Tex said, staring at the crumb-covered plate.  
"No, Poopy ate it all- pig." He pointed to a considerably fatter wingless butterfly in the middle of the plate.  
"Urp!" Poopy said.  
Suddenly the book on the table flipped open on its own. A musty wind rushed through the house and the temperature dropped.  
"It's cold!" Jonny said, picking up Poopy.  
"How'd it get so cold?" Tex said.

They left the room and returned to the room with the ogre and the book. Tex pointed to the book, which was open on the table. Ice had frozen over the whole table and was spreading onto the floor.  
Jonny ran over to the table to try and close the book. It was too cold; Jonny couldn't get close without pain. Then, a huge shadow shaped like a clawed hand reached out of the book and grabbed the ogre off the floor. The hand pulled the ogre into its pages.  
Jonny reached for the book. He could hear Tex yelling for him to come back. Tex ran forward to pull Jonny away, but before he could do it, Jonny reached out and grabbed the book. A fiery light encircled Jonny's body, and then Jonny quickly slammed the book shut. The glow disappeared, and then the winds died down. The temperature started to become normal again.  
Tex ran over to Jonny and wrapped the boy up in his coat. But Jonny wasn't even cold. In fact, he felt warmer than normal.  
"The book!" Tex said, holding it with Jonny. A title had appeared on the cover. It read "The Book of thirteen Insanities."  
Jonny opened the book, waiting for the cold wind again but nothing abnormal happened. Except that there was another marked page. It said, "Ogre Butcher" and had a realistic hand-drawn image of the menacing giant. Next to the picture there was a weird writing in a foreign language. Tex looked at it, puzzled.  
"Yah! Pictures! Look Poopy." Jonny said, showing Poopy the picture. Another page turned, seemingly on it's own. Suddenly, Poopy's wings were back, in perfect shape, and the butterfly rose into the air.  
"Hey!" Tex and Jonny said. The new page read: "The Healing Doctor."  
"Can it heal my hat?" Tex said. He eagerly shoved the pieces into the book and waited. The pieces fell onto the floor, and lay there.  
"It didn't work." Tex muttered.  
"Hey! The picture's gone!" Jonny said, looking at the page. The picture of the doctor was gone. Tex and Jonny looked at each other.

"This is a weird book." Jonny said as he saw Poopy fly around. Tex grabbed the book and put it in his pocket.  
"Cops?" Jonny said.  
I wonder where this book came from? Tex thought.

The man with the hood walked up the darkened halls. Torches lit the steps as he pushed open the big wooden door.  
"Did … you find the boy?" a deep raspy voice said. It echoed off the walls.  
"Yes master." The hooded figure said.  
"Where is he?"  
"I … don't know."

The hooded figure heard a shuffling noise. A pair of read gleaming eyes stared at him from the end of the room. The hooded man started to sweat as the eyes came closer. A tall, lanky man came out of the shadows. He was dressed in old Transylvanian clothes. He was wearing a long black cape and he had long white fangs. His hair was short and slicked back. His skin was ghastly pale as he stood a couple of feet away from the hooded man. His eyes flashed death.  
"I'm sorry master." The hooded man bowed.  
"Tsk, tsk, tsk. You should know better Andrew." The fanged creature said.  
"Give me another chance. It won't happen again." Andrew said.  
The fanged creature grabbed Andrew by the collar. He picked him up and threw him against the wall. "Andrew, you disappoint me."  
Andrew hit the wall with a loud thud. He grimaced and then he coughed out blood. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. The fanged creature appeared in front of him and kneeled down to face him.  
"Next time Andrew, you're dinner." He smiled and disappeared.  
Andrew quickly got up. "I'm sorry son," he said, and left the room.

Later, in another room, Dracula stood with another man, plotting. The other man was about six feet tall, and had a beard. The man was bald, and had a wide, heavyset frame -- like a bodybuilder who gained too much weight. He wore a floor-length fur coat, but upon closer inspection the coat was actually covered with stitched-on human hair and rotting scalps. The man wore brown leather boots and carried a black dirt- and- blood covered doctor's bag.  
"The Butcher failed, Doctor." Dracula said. "Perhaps you can do a better job. I want the boy alive - he is the final piece. Bring him to me, and you can do what you wish with the other. Now go! And take Andrew with you. I want you to keep an eye on him. He'll lead you right to the boy." Then Dracula turned and walked away down the hall.

The silent Doctor Efrem Phillipe Hootenbaagenflaagenberger-Butkis shifted his heavy sack of devices and followed Dracula out the door. The Doctor met up with Andrew in a room filled with weapons of all sorts. Currently, Andrew was inspecting a shiny pair of long throwing knives. Andrew balanced them in his hand, and then tucked them away in a pair of sheaths hidden beneath his overcoat. He flashed the Doctor a glance that seemed to ask, "what do you have?" But the Doctor merely patted his medicine bag and smiled a little.  
The Doctor left, and Andrew knew that he was expected to lead the Doctor on the hunt. But before he exited the armory, he looked into a heavy wooden chest in the far corner. There he found some dynamite and a gas lighter. So he took them and secretly stashed them in his inner coat pocket.  
"He'll fall right into my trap." Andrew whispered and then ran out of the room.

Tex and Jonny emerged from the Butchers shack and ran back to the main room. Jonny was carrying the Book of Thirteen Insanities, and Tex was carrying the remains of his beloved hat. He turned back to look at the house, and then tossed his hat back down in anger. Jonny looked up.  
"Cops! Your hat!"  
"That does it," Tex said. He made a fist. Jonny ran back for the hat pieces.  
"Don't bother. They've killed my hat, and I'll make Dracula pay!" Tex walked over and yanked the book from Jonny's hands.  
"This book will help us stop Dracula." Tex flipped it open. Another new page appeared: "The Hypnotist Betrayer."  
"What do you think that means?" Jonny asked.  
"I dunno. We need to stop Dracula."  
"Okay cops."  
"We need to get home."

Tex and Jonny ran home. Tex was deep in thought when he bumped into someone while turning a corner.  
"Oh, excuse me…" Tex started, but the person turned around… and it was a beautiful woman, "ma'am." Tex blushed.  
"That's okay." She said, smiling. Her eyes were emerald green and she had pretty, long, red  
hair.  
Jonny looked at Tex and laughed. Tex was too busy staring at her eyes to notice.  
"What's you're name?" she said.  
"M…m-m-my T-t-t… e-ex… Mo-m-mo-mom-m… n-n-n-n-n-n-n-name… M-m-m-mad-mad-mad-madden…is?" Tex sputtered.  
The lady arched a brow. Tex turned a darker shade of red as he started mumbling about Jonny, vampires, Poopy… and monkeys in a nutshell.  
"He's Jonny and I'm Tex." Jonny said… "no wait, I'm Jonny and he's Tex."  
"I'm Valerie."  
"Hi Val." Jonny said.  
"N-n-n-name… Val-val-val-er-ie? Na-na-name li-like I… cheese." Tex said.  
"Dyslexia strikes again." Jonny said.

Tex blushed and looked at Valerie. "Hehehehehe…" Tex giggled.  
"You look like Angel Johnson." Jonny said.  
"You mean Angelina Jolie?" Valerie said.  
"Isn't that what I said Caitlin?"  
"Uh… my name isn't Caitlin."  
"Are you sure? You look like a Caitlin."  
"I'm Valerie."  
"V-v-v-v-v-va-a-le-rie." Tex said blushing and he began to drool.  
"Yeah sure Beneatha."  
"Forget it."  
"Okay Bertha."  
Jonny pulled Tex by the sleeve. "Can we go now mom cops?"  
"Mom?" Valerie said.  
"M-m-m-ee?" Tex giggled.  
"Duh mom, lets go get Dracula."  
Tex giggled again when Jonny said "Dracula."  
Valerie's eyes began to turn a bright orange color. Tex became hypnotized by it and he couldn't look away.  
"Why don't you stay Tex. Dracula can wait…"  
"Okay." Tex said.

Valerie led the Vampire Chronics to a nice-looking part of town, where the upper-middle-class people had apartments. The neighborhood was relatively crime-free and peaceful.  
"Where are we?" Tex said. He had finally been able to speak properly.  
"Angel's Gardens." Valerie said, and smiled. "It's a great place for the elderly to live. It's quiet, and safe. There's even a resident doctor who checks up on the folks."  
"What's the doctor's name?"  
"Doctor Hootenbaagenflaagenburger-Butkis."  
Tex was amazed. "What ethnicity is that?"  
"I don't know. I never asked."  
About ten seconds later Jonny burst out laughing. Tex and Valerie looked at each other, and then at Jonny.  
"What's so funny?" Valerie said.  
"Oh, it's nothing- he's always like this." Tex said. He as feeling a little embarrassed. Just stop it, already, he thought.  
"Butt kiss!" Jonny shouted.  
"Excuse me?" Valerie said.  
"His name is Butt Kiss!"  
"No, it's hyphenated. And it's Butkis, not-"  
"Hahaha! I'll call him Doctor Buttkisser!"  
Tex covered his face and groaned in frustration. Valerie put her hand on his shoulder.  
"It's okay. I see this kind of thing all the time at the Mental Institution."  
"Maybe the Doctor should have a look at Jonny." Tex said.  
Just then Poopy fluttered by.  
"Ooh! Poopy, where'd you go?" Jonny said.  
"Changes moods quickly, huh?" Valerie said.  
"Like a… a thing that changes colors quickly…" Tex said. _Stupid!_ He thought.  
"Like a chameleon?"  
"Yeah." Tex felt like dying.  
_Slow group, these two…_ Valerie thought and smiled.

Not long afterward they passed by an ice cream shop in the middle of Angel's Gardens. Jonny's eyes grew wide and he pointed to the window.  
"The Doctor lives here!" Jonny said.  
"Jonny, that's an ice cream store." Tex said.  
"But his name's on the window, look!" Jonny pointed, and read the name out loud.  
"Haagen-Daaz!"  
Valerie put her hand on Jonny's arm and gently pushed it down, because people inside were looking.  
"The Doctor doesn't live here, and his name is not Haagen-Daaz Butt Kisser."  
Jonny looked her in the eyes for a long time, as though trying to understand.  
"Okay, Helga," Jonny said.  
"Cute kid!" A man said as he left. "You two must be really proud parents." Valerie and Tex looked at each other. Then Tex looked away, blushing.  
"What kid?" Jonny said looking around.  
"Never mind." Tex said as he blushed.  
"Let's go guys." Valerie said, grabbing Tex's arm.  
"Hehehe…" Tex giggled.

"Look, it's them." Dr. Butkis said, looking through some binoculars. He was on the balcony of a patient's house.  
"Let me see." Andrew said, taking the binoculars. "Valerie," he hissed.  
"Looks like the Master sent out more reinforcements." Dr. Butkis smirked.

Andrew shot him a dirty look. He tossed the binoculars to Dr. Butkis and felt for his… dynamite. Dr. Butkis looked through the binoculars again. He scratched his arm. Flakes fell off his jacket and hair got stuck under his nails. His nails were dirty and crusted with blood, like his tool bag. His jacket reeked of rotting flesh.  
Dr. Butkis turned around and smiled. "It's show time."  
Valerie and Tex walked on the sidewalk as Jonny followed Poopy around.  
"Mom Cops," Jonny said.  
"Yeah kid?"  
"Poopy doesn't look too good."

Tex stopped to look at Poopy. He was an abnormal reddish color. The tips of his wings were brown and torn. His body looked old and decrepit, and he flapped with a limp.  
"He looks fine," Tex said.  
"Okay Mom Cops, whatever you say."

Valerie held Tex close as she whispered something to him. Jonny couldn't hear what she said but he knew it had something to do with Poopy. He heard Tex giggle.  
"Hey Uvadenko, where are we going?" Jonny said.  
"To my friend's house. I'm sure he'll be glad to see you Jonny."  
"Who is it?"  
"Wouldn't you like to know?"  
"Actually … no I don't, but thanks for asking Rachel."  
"It's Valerie."  
"Whatever Miguel."  
Valerie looked at Tex and huffed. Tex giggled and Jonny skipped alongside Poopy.

Andrew and Dr. Butkis waited for their next victims.

Valerie led them to an apartment building. The building was pink and surrounded by flowering trees. Poopy fluttered around, and Jonny ran far ahead of Tex and Valerie.  
Tex looked at Valerie and then turned away before she could notice. She was holding his hand. _Why do I act so wimpy and stupid around her,_ he thought. He looked at her again, and admired her soft curves and perfect skin. He stared at her eyebrows. _I love those eyebrows,_ he thought. _Maybe… maybe I love more than that. I think I'm in love with her… _

He thought back to what the guy at the ice cream parlor had said. "You must be very proud parents." Tex thought that it would be nice to be a parent, to be a –  
"Mom!" Jonny called to Tex. "Why are you drooling?"  
"Huh?" Tex slapped himself back to reality. He had been staring at Valerie for a long time, and she had let him.  
"Let's go, Fabio," Valerie said to Tex. "Come on Jonny."  
"Okay Faggito!" Jonny said.

They rode an elevator up to Dr. Butkis' apartment. It was on the top floor. When they got off on floor thirteen, they were right outside a hallway. All of the doors on the left were closed, and belonged to tenants. But the last door on the right was open, and light came from the doorway. They walked over to the door, and Tex noticed a sign under the number that said, "E.P. Butkis, M.D." Tex also noticed that the letters had been painted on in dark red by a person with messy handwriting.  
Tex touched the paint. It was still wet and it had a funny smell. Tex sniffed it. It was sour, like…  
"What are you waiting for?" Valerie said. "Just enter already!"  
"Wait, this doesn't seem right –" Tex said. Then Valerie looked him in the eyes.  
"Go in."  
So he went in. Jonny dawdled a bit, so Valerie pushed him through the door. She was about to enter as well when the door slammed shut right in her face.  
"Ow," she said, as the door rammed her full in the nose. The paint rubbed off on her forehead, so that the word "TUB" with a backwards "B" was imprinted on her face. Then she heard the door lock slide into place on the other side.

Dr. Butkis was standing between the Vampire Chronics and the locked door.  
"Do you have a bathroom? I gotta pee," Jonny said.  
"Door on the left," Butkis said, and then smiled.  
Jonny skipped to the bathroom. Tex looked around. _Where's Valerie? Is she still outside?  
_"Make yourself at home," Dr. Butkis said. Tex inspected the Doctor's fur coat. It sort of smelled rotten.  
"Okay," Tex said, and sat in one of the chairs.  
Jonny was still in the bathroom fifteen minutes later.  
"Excuse me," Tex said as he got up and went to the bathroom. The door was unlocked and he went inside. Jonny was still peeing in the toilet.  
"Hey Mom Cops! Long time no see."  
"What? You never shee-shee in 10 hours?" Tex asked.  
"Um … no mom." Jonny said.  
Tex huffed. "Hurry up," and left the bathroom.  
Tex looked around the waiting room. It was empty. _Where is everyone? _

"Hey Mom Cops!" Jonny said from behind Tex.  
"Oh my goodness!" Tex screamed, and jumped.  
"Hahaha." Jonny laughed.  
"Is everything all right in here?" Dr. Butkis asked, emerging from a back door.  
"Who are you?" Jonny asked. "Oh I remember now, Haagen-daaz!"  
"That's not my name," Dr. Butkis said.  
"Really? Oh I remember now, Dr. Butt-Kisser!"  
Tex looked at Jonny. Dr. Butkis looked at Tex. Jonny looked at … Poopy.  
"It's Poopy!" Jonny cried. He pulled a candy bar from his pocket.  
"Where'd that come from?" Tex said.  
"From my pocket, duh Cops."  
"No, where'd it come from before that?"  
"From the haunted house, duh Cops. Uh oh! Gotta pee again!" Jonny said.  
"Alright, don't take too long."

Jonny went into the bathroom again. The candy bar had melted in his pocket and left a huge brown stain on his pants.  
"Ooh …" Jonny said as he hugged the candy bar, squishing it against his chest.  
"Uh oh, Mom will kill me if she learns that I had an accident again." He closed the door and locked it so that Tex wouldn't enter and see him.  
"Uh Doc," Tex said, "your coat really smells funny."  
Dr. Butkis came closer, and pulled a strange-looking surgical tool out of the black bag he was carrying. It looked like a hand-drill with multiple scalpels attached to it. Suddenly the good doctor didn't seem so friendly.  
"What are you doing?" Tex said. "What's that thing for?"  
"You ask too many questions. I will silence you and take the boy for my Master."  
Tex backed against the wall, upsetting a vase. "You work for Dracula!"  
Dr. Butkis lunged at Tex with the weapon, and Tex dodged out of the way. As Butkis came close, Tex could clearly see that the fur coat was actually made up of rotting scalps with hair still in them. Luckily, Dr. Butkis' tool got stuck in the wall, and wouldn't come out. Enraged, the Doctor pulled out another, even nastier-looking tool.  
Tex reached in his own coat for a weapon and pulled out – a necklace of garlic bulbs. The Doctor laughed.  
"Are you gonna defeat me with bad breath?" The Doctor attacked again. Thunk! The tool stuck in the wall. Thud! Another got wedged in the bookshelf. Crash! Another broke when it hit the floor.  
_How many weapons does this guy have? _Tex struggled to avoid getting hit. As Dr. Butkis reached for another device, Tex swung the garlic necklace around and smacked Butkis in the eyes.  
"Ahh! My eyes! My eyes are burning!" He stumbled into the front door. "I'm blind!"

"Stupid, stinky, (expletive) (expletive) (expletive) barbarian! (EXPLETIVE)!" Valerie cried and pounded on the locked door with her fists. She really wanted to be in there, helping Butkis capture Jonny. But the doctor had locked her out. It seemed that he wanted the credit for Jonny's capture all to himself.  
"Valerie," a voice called from down the hall. She turned to see who spoke.  
"Who's there?"  
Andrew stepped out from behind a support column. Valerie made a noise of contempt. "So Butkis locked you out too?"  
Andrew smirked. "Yeah. He's powerful enough to take on the two of them, right?"  
"Please, those two are morons. Jonny's a complete mental case, and I've got Tex under my control. They'll be finished in no time."  
"Well," Andrew said, lighting a stick of dynamite behind his back. "I can't allow that." He threw it at Valerie.

Jonny had come out of the bathroom wearing a bathrobe. Dr. Butkis was rubbing his eyes as Tex stood over him.  
"Hey Mom! Hey Butt Kisser!"  
The Doctor looked up and Tex swung the garlic rope around the Doctor's neck and pulled.  
"I can't breathe," the doctor hissed.

A loud explosion erupted outside and the front door blew open with a blast like a cannon. Valerie lay on the ground, badly burned. Tex released the Doctor and ran to her.  
"Don't touch her," Andrew said, coming through the smoke. "Or else you'll get it too." Andrew kicked Valerie's prone body and then pulled out another dynamite.  
The Doctor pulled out the tool from the wall. He came behind Tex; ready to stab down when … Jonny hit Butkis over the head with the table.  
Jonny picked up the Book of the Thirteen Insanities, which had fallen in the struggle, and turned to a new page, which read, "Strength of 1 ½ Men." The Book glowed and Dr. Butkis disappeared into it.  
Andrew was still holding the dynamite but Tex was looking at Jonny.  
"Where'd you get the bathrobe?" Tex asked Jonny.  
"I found it."  
"Are you wearing any underwear?"  
"Of course Mom."  
"That's enough!" Andrew shouted. "Give me the book and no one gets hurt."  
"Dad?" Jonny said.  
"He's not your dad, kid." Tex said. Andrew walked into the room.  
"Give me the book kid."  
"Dad? Is that you?" Jonny said. Andrew came a foot from Jonny and Tex.  
"Give me the book. Now." Tex looked at Jonny, who gripped the book close to his chest.

Just then Valerie came up behind Andrew and chopped him in the neck. She looked like the Bride of Frankenstein. She looked into Tex's eyes.  
"Get me the book, Tex," she said. Tex turned and ripped the book from Jonny's hands and gave it to Valerie in one quick, robotic motion.  
"Thank you." Valerie said. "Now get rid of them … both." She walked out of the room. Tex turned against Jonny.  
"Mom? What are you doing?" Tex didn't reply. He just kept advancing with a blank look on his face. Valerie looked back, turned, and then started to leave.  
"Hold it Val," Andrew yelled. He pulled out a throwing knife and aimed for her. But Tex got in the way and Andrew couldn't get a clear shot.  
"Move, you mindless freak!" Andrew yelled. Jonny started dancing around the room.  
"Not you!" Andrew yelled at him. Tex tried to choke Andrew with his bare hands.  
"Cops, what are you doing?" Jonny said. Andrew tried to grab something to hit Tex over the head with – anything to break Valerie's control over him. Then he grabbed something soft. _Oh well, better try something._ So he pulled hard and Jonny yelled.  
"My bathrobe!"  
Tex looked up and saw that Jonny was covered in … poo. It shocked him and disgusted him so much that he slowly came back to his senses.  
"Kid … what … why are you covered in crap!" Tex let go of Andrew's neck.  
"Hey baby, how is you?" Jonny said in a Filipino accent.  
"Move aside, you!" Andrew pushed Tex aside and threw a knife at Valerie, who was just outside the big hole in the wall that used to be the door.  
"You is, baby how hey?" Jonny said in a Filipino accent, misinterpreting Andrew's command.

The knife hit Valerie with a dull Thwack, and she staggered forward.  
"Ow. You hit me, jackass!" She reached around and pulled the knife out. But instead of blood, it was covered in black ink.  
"You made me ink!" She said. "Now you pay!" She flipped open the Book and turned to the page with "The Healing Doctor." The book glowed green and instantly Valerie's wounds healed up. The page had a picture of Doctor Butkis on it along with his whole name: "Doctor Efrem Phillip Hootenbaagenflaagenberger-Butkis."  
Next, she turned to the "Strength of 1 ½ Men" page and held the book up high. There was a flash of light that blinded the Vampire Chronics and Andrew. They covered their eyes to block out the brightness but when they did, they each felt a powerful blow on the back of their neck.  
"I can't see! Ugh!" Tex said.  
"Curse you! My eyes!" Andrew said.  
"I'm deaf! Boing!" Jonny said.

The light faded away, and Valerie closed the Book. The others were knocked out.  
"Ha ha! No one beats Barbarosasasasa!" spoke a man with a lisp.  
"Take them to the Master."  
"Savvy," Barbarosasasasa said.


	2. Chapter 2

Jonny awoke in a dungeon cell. Jonny rubbed his eyes and found someone sleeping next to him. It wasn't Tex Cops.

"Mom! Mom! Help! Fireman!" Jonny shouted.

Andrew awoke and looked at Jonny. Jonny stared back at him.

"What kid?" Andrew said.

"You're not Mom Cops," Jonny said.

Andrew snorted and went back to sleep.

"What's your name?" Jonny said, poking Andrew in the back.

"Nunya," Andrew said, "Nunya beesneess."

"Really? I'm Jonny."

Jonny looked around the dungeon. There were seven cells. The cells had people in them. Jonny looked into the cell next to his. There was this big muscular man in a speedo sitting on the ground. He was singing "Kumbaya." There was another person in the cell too. It was a girl with blonde hair wearing a pink miniskirt and a pink shirt. She was sort of chubby and somewhat resembled Hilary Duff. She was sitting on the opposite side of the man in the speedo.

"Hi," Jonny said.

The man in the speedo stopped singing and the girl looked at him.

"What's your name?" Jonny asked.

"I'm Bertha," the girl said.

"My name is Dwayne Johnson," the man in the speedo said.

"I'm Jonny."

Then there was this loud grumble. Jonny looked at Andrew and Bertha looked at Dwayne.

"Did you fart?" Jonny asked Andrew, "If your tummy grumbled, my mom says you should poo."

"I'm hungry," Dwayne said. "I'm hhhhuuuunnnngggrrryyyyy," he whined. "Who has any food?"

Jonny looked at Andrew.

Bertha looked at Dwayne. "I have sausages," Bertha said.

"Really? Where?" Dwayne said, he started drooling.

"I love sausages," Jonny said.

Bertha lifted up her shirt to uncover her belly button.

"Those aren't sausages," Jonny said.

Bertha made this weird noise. It sounded like "pooouuuit," and half a "little smokey" popped out of her belly button. She caught it and tossed it to Dwayne.

Jonny stared. "You can make sausages?"

Andrew turned to look. His face became a mask of worry, surprise, and fear.

Dwayne sniffed the new sausage. "It's cold," he said. But then his hunger pangs started up again, so he popped the sausage into his mouth and ate it.

"Hey man, that's gross," Andrew said.

Dwayne burped, and then made a face.

"I know that look!" Jonny said. "Your butt's grumbling!"

"What?" Bertha said.

"I gotta poo," Dwayne said. "NOW!"

"Oh no, not by me!" Bertha yelled, and backed into the corner of the cell. Dwayne crouched in the opposite corner and reached into the back of his speedo.

"Don't do it!" Jonny yelled, grabbing the bars of his cell and leaning closer.

Dwayne pulled a handful of small dark brown pellets from his pants. He pulled one from the pile, looked at it, and then- put it in his mouth.

There was an uproar from Bertha and Andrew. They covered their mouthes and looked away.

"You ate poop!" Jonny said, amazed.

"What are you talking about?" Dwayne said, and ate another pellet.

"Stop it!" Bertha yelled.

"Don't get so... so... girly! It's chocolate!"

"I can't believe you're eating it," Bertha said.

"Why? It's only chocolate."

"Yeah, sure, 'chocolate'."

Dwayne walked over to Bertha and, before she could react, popped a pellet into her mouth. Bertha spit the pellet out onto the floor and turned against Dwayne.

"What do you think you're doing, you crazy crap-eating freak! What the fu-" Then she stopped. She thought for a while, and then took a pellet from Dwayne's pile. She looked it over, sniffed it, and then put it into her mouth. She chewed it slowly, and then-

"Hey it is chocolate!" She said.

"You make chocolate poop?" Andrew said.

"Wow! I wish I could do that!" Jonny said jumping up and down. "Then I could eat candy all day. Just in, and out. In and out… out and in."

"Hey, shut up over there! I can't think!" a person shouted from another cell in the room.

"Wow! New guys, hey everybody look!" another voice called out.

Andrew glanced around. There were two people in every cell, except for a young woman who lay face-up on the floor in her own cell by herself.


	3. Chapter 3

"Who's the loner?" Andrew said.

Jonny stopped looking at Dwayne and said, "Do you want chocolate doo-doo?"

The young woman continued looking at the ceiling.

"Maybe she can make chocolate doo-doo too, that's why she doesn't want any." Dwayne said.  
"What's your name?" Bertha said.

The young woman sat up. She shook her head and turned to look at them. To their surprise she looked a lot like… Kate Beckinsale.

Some guy in the next cell said confidently out loud, "Her name gotsta be Foo."

'Foo' gave him an evil look. An energy ball appeared in front of her and she shot it at his crotch. It hit the cell wall and evaporated, leaving a small puff of smoke.

"Aaaahhh!" Jonny screamed, covering his ears.  
"What's the matter?" Andrew said.  
"What?" Jonny said.  
"What?" Andrew said.

'Poouuit!' another sausage came out of Bertha's belly button. It suddenly appeared and re-appeared in the hands of some other girl.

She looked quiet and mellow. She looked a lot like Zhang Ziyi and she ate the sausage. She burped and someone else's stomach grumbled.

Everyone looked at Dwayne.

"Hey guys, its not me this time."  
"What's your name?" Jonny asked the guy next to Foo's cell.  
"I'm Wanto Iswans," the man said.  
"You look a lot like Chris Fer." Jonny said.  
"What'd you call me?" Wanto said.  
"He meant to say Chris Tucker," Bertha corrected.

"So what's your name?" Wanto said to the girl who teleported the sausage into her cell.  
"San fi-chi," she said.  
"What? Sandwich?"  
"Huh?"  
"What?"  
"San fi-chi."  
"Okay, whatever sandwich." Wanto said.

"Cool! Can you make sandwich poop?" Jony said.  
"What?" San fi-chi said.  
"Huh?"  
"San fi-chi?"  
"Yeah, sandwich poo?"  
"No."  
"Aww, too bad."

Two more stomachs rumbled.

"Jeez, didn't anyone eat anything besides Dwayne and Bertha?"  
"And sandwich girl," Wanto added.  
"We haven't had anything to eat for hours," Wanto's cellmate said. The speaker had short tousled blonde hair, kind of like Sean William Scott. Then he spit into the air.

"I've been drinking water the whole time, but you know, it's not filling," he said.  
"Yeah, and he's been pissing in the corner!" Wanto said.  
"Idiot! Don't tell them that!" The cellmate mad his spit (which was still in the air, apparently floating by itself) into a huge ball of water. The cellmate pointed at Wanto, and the ball zoomed straight for him.

Wanto looked at the ball with wide eyes. Then, a red beam of light shot from Wanto's eyes and evaporated the ball of water.

"Hey Elmo, Wanto! Cut it out! Don't make me have to hurt you!" Someone cried from a cell in the corner. Everyone turned to see who spoke, but the cell was empty except for a woman who looked like Demi Moore… and a chicken.  
"That's right," the chicken said. "Don't make me come over there. I got claws and a mean beak- I'll kick your-"

The woman who shared the cell with the chicken hit him in the head to shut him up, and then the chicken turned into a white albino bunny.

Wanto shot his laser-beam eyes toward the animal. The beam disappeared on contact with the cell wall, but the aggressive attack scared the animal so much that it turned into a brown duck.

The duck got angry. Suddenly it turned into its real form- a kid with curly brown hair and ears like a monkey.

"It's Frankie Muniz!" Jonny said.  
"No, my name's Fabio," he said.  
"I didn't know that you could turn into a person too," Jonny said.  
"I turn into small animals," Fabio said.  
"You speak good English for a chicken," Jonny said. Fabio looked confused.  
"What? I'm not really a chicken. This is my real form."

"Chicken?" Dwayne said. "Where?"

"Where'd you guys come from?" Fabio's cellmate said.  
"We're from around here," Andrew said.  
"Oh really? I'm Jackie, and I'm from Australia."

"I wish my name was Jackie," a man said. He was in the cell next to Jackie and he looked a lot like Jackie Chan.  
"What's your name?" Jackie said.  
"Mai kho-ja kuson."  
"You're not black," Jonny said.

"Haha, you're funny kid." A man next to Mai kho-ja kuson said. He had shaggy blonde hair and a crooked nose. He looked like Owen Wilson.

"What's your name?"  
"Bobert."  
"Where did you come from?" Bertha said.

"Mai kho-ja kuson came from neverland," Jonny said.  
"Around there." Mai kho said.

"Foo's from Russia," Wanto said.

Foo shot him another evil look.

"I'm only kidding Foo, just playing with ya. Sike!"

"I'm from China," San fi-chi said.  
"They have sandwiches in China?" Jonny asked.  
"What?"  
"Sandwich?"  
"San fi-chi?"  
"Sandwich poop?"

"Nevermind," San fi-chi said.  
"Neverland?" Mai kho said.  
"I give up," San fi-chi said.

"I'm from Britain." Bobert said.  
"I'm from Switzerland," Fabio said.  
"So that means the rest of us are from the US," Dwayne said.

Bertha popped out a couple more sausages and San fi-chi teleported them into everyone's cell.

I wonder if Mai kho wants a sausage, Bobert thought.

"I don't want a sausage," Mai kho said.  
"I didn't say anything," Bobert said. Geez, this guy is psycho, Bobert thought.  
"Shut up!" Mai kho said.

A sausage appeared on the floor and Bobert picked it up.

"You like sausage?" Bobert teased, waving it around Mai kho.  
"I no like."

Bobert moved closer around and Mai kho moved away. Then Bobert used super speed and chased Mai kho around the cell.

Mai kho turned around, and Bobert was right behind him. Bobert ran in a circle around Mai kho, always holding the sausage out in front of Mai kho's face.

I hope he doesn't trip me, Bobert thought. Mai kho tilted his head as though trying to hear a faint sound. Then he smiled and stuck his foot out. Bobert tripped over Mai kho's foot and fell onto the floor. Everyone laughed at him.

Mai kho stood over him and kicked the sausage away. "I can read your mind," he said.

"Ooh, neat power," Fabio said.  
"What am I thinking about?" Jonny concentrated hard, and his face looked like he was constipated or something.  
"I can only read your mind if you think about me," Mai kho said, and went to pick up the sausage.  
"Well that's not cool," Bertha said.  
"No, on the contrary," Andrew said. "It means that he can't be attacked."  
"I don't get it man," Wanto said.  
"Look, if you try to attack him, you'll think about it, and he'll pick it up. He'll know where and when you'll strike, so he'll dodge or block."

"I wish I had known that sooner," Bobert said. Then he rolled over and sat up. He rubbed his forehead where it hit the floor. He noticed someone in the farside of the room, opposite Bertha's and Dwayne's cell.

"Hey sandwich, who's that in the cell with you?"

Everyone looked to see who it was. San fi-chi went over to the person who was sleeping, and gave her a sharp poke. The woman rolled over and mumbled, "I want apple pie from McDonald's… or wherever you buy chicken." San fi-chi poked her again and then the woman woke up.

"Oh, she's hot," Dwayne said when he could see her. She had short spiky brown hair and looked like Halle Berry.

"I'm kinda hungry," she said.

"Ooh, hold on a minute!" Dwayne said, snatching up a sausage and shoving it in his mouth. He concentrated, and the woman watched him. As Dwayne finished his process, the woman's eyes turned a pale blue color. She looked at the floor, the ceiling, and the huge metal door at the front of the room.

"Someone's coming," she said.

Andrew turned to look at the door. She couldn't possibly tell that someone was coming unless…

"You have x-ray vision," Andrew said.

The woman turned and looked back at Dwayne's… underwear. Dwayne followed the way she was looking at him, and came to the conclusion…

"Are you looking through my underwear?" Dwayne shouted.

"What? No! Eww, that's gross," she said blushing and she turned away.


End file.
